Ass Burgers
by League Girl
Summary: Eric, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny all get a new student who has Asperger's syndrome but the condition has become a new fad just like ADHD was 10 years ago when it was being over diagnosed in the 1990's.
1. New Student

_Alright another one of my new stories. This idea came to my head while I was in Montana visiting my family. South Park is one of my favorite TV shows and I own all the seasons that have been released on DVD so far. I have always wanted them to make fun of Asperger's so I finally came up with my own. _

_This is not related to my B&J stories _even_ though I am using my OC's again in this._

_Warning: Some material in this story might be offensive. If you take stories too seriously or TV, especially the internet, I advise you to hit the back button. If I get any flames for this story, I will be forced to laugh at your nasty review because you were too stupid to understand this warning and you take South Park and humor too seriously. That is all. _

* * *

Somewhere in the Rocky Mountains in Colorado was a small town called South Park. Lot of weird things happened in it and there were some unique people and they were about to get more. A new family had moved to town. They were very rich because the man had done concert tours in the early 1990's and late 1980's and he had done another one in 2001. He had four different homes and he had recently purchased one in South Park where he heard it was a nice town and friendly people. He decided they were all going to settle there for the year but they didn't live in a big fancy mansion there like you expect in lot of celebrities. He had purchased a normal sized house that was in the same neighborhood as Cartman, Kenny, Kyle, and Stan, and of course Butters. Because he was so rich, he didn't need to borrow money from the bank, he wrote a huge check to the people who were selling it and they cashed it and waited for it to clear and when it did, they got the house.

School had started for the day. All the students in Mr. Garrison's class took their seats.

"Children we have a new student today," Mr. Garrison began. "I know we already have plenty of unique people in this school and town. Cartman is fat."

"Hey," Cartman shouted.

"Bebe has started getting boobs, the school nurse has a conjoined fetus, Butters is an idiot and Timmy is well handicapped, Kenny is poor, Kyle is Jewish and I was once a woman. I hope I am not forgetting anybody, if I am, too bad. So the reason why I mentioned all you special people is because we are going to have another special student. He has Asperger's syndrome."

"Ass burgers?" Cartman said. "Hey I would like some fries with that," and he started laughing. "I bet they come out of his ass."

"Shut up Cartman," Kyle yelled.

"Now Cartman you wouldn't like kids to make fun of your handicaps," Mr. Garrison said.

"I'm not handicapped," Cartman said.

"You're fat," he pointed out.

"I am not fat son of a bitch," Cartman shouted. "I'm just big boned."

Mr. Garrison went to the door and opened it and said out in the hall, "Okay principal Victoria you can bring him in," then he told the rest of the class. "Now children I need you to show him respect and be very nice to him."

The principal brought in a little boy with light brown hair. He appeared shy. He stared around the room.

"Okay students this is Benjamin Faltskog," Mr. Garrison said.

Cartman laughed. "What kind of last name is that?"

"It's Swedish you son of a bitch," Kyle yelled. "I'm sure you heard of Abba, Agnetha Faltskog. Damn it I can't even pronounce the name."

"Cartman, you be polite," Mr. Garrison yelled. "Now Benjamin, tell us about yourself."

"I'm called Benny," he corrected without looking at him.

"Okay Benny tell us a bit about yourself."

Benny stared around the room not knowing what to say. All the kids were staring at him waiting for him to speak.

"We're waiting," Mr. Garrison said as he tapped his fingers on his desk.

"What do I say?" Benny asked.

Cartman laughed even harder. "What do I say?" he mimicked. "What do I say? Oh my god what an asshole, no wonder they call it Ass burgers. Get it? Ass Burgers?"

"You son of a bitch," Kyle said angrily. "He is handicapped don't you see. He has a condition where he can't speak you fat ass. There you don't like being called that because you're fat."

"Hey I am big boned you son of a bitch," Cartman yelled.

"Tell us where you moved from Benny," Mr. Garrison said.

"I don't know," he said.

Cartman fell out of his seat and started laughed very hard and kicking his feet on the floor. "He doesn't know where he moved from oh my god this is so funny. He is a stupid son of a bitch."

Benny started to cry.

"Cartman, get back in your seat and shut up," Mr. Garrison yelled. "One more peep out of you, I am sending you to the office."

"Timmy," Timmy shouted as he bobbled his head and moved his hands.

"Okay Benny tell us where you have lived," Mr. Garrison said.

"Uh I lived in Spokane," Benny began.

"Spokane?" Cartman shouted again. "Oh my god what kind of name is that?" Then he said in a retarded voice, "Spoh kan."

"Cartman, you go to the office right now," Mr. Garrison shouted.

"But Mr. Garrison," Cartman cried.

"Right now Eric," he ordered.

But Cartman didn't move so Mr. Garrison pinched him and boxed his ears.

"Ow ow," he kept saying.

"Now now," Mr. Garrison ordered. "Move move move."

He kept pinching his ears until Cartman was out of the classroom.

Mr. Garrison closed the door and sighed. "I am very sorry about this," he said to Benny who was still crying.

* * *

_I hope I kept Mr. Garrison in character and Cartman is an ass in the show so I think I did good with him. _


	2. Benny Makes New Friends

During recess Benny stood by himself feeling sad. Kenny, Kyle, and Stan all came up to him. Butters followed.

"Dude, don't worry about Cartman," Kyle said. "He's an asshole."

"Yeah," Stan added.

"Mmm," Kenny echoed.

"Yeah," Butters said.

"Everyone has always made fun of me," Benny said.

"Dude, Cartman makes fun of everybody, he rips on me because I'm Jewish," Kyle said.

"No, everyone makes fun of me," Benny said. "Because my dad's rich and kids make fun of me about it and I'm weird."

"Dude, everybody's weird," Kyle told him.

"You don't understand," Benny yelled. "I'm weird okay? I want to be home school but my dad won't let me. He says I need to be with other kids so I can learn to be in the real world and learn how to socialize and learn how to be tough."

"Okay, we are just trying to make you feel better. I mean we want to be your friend," Kyle said.

"Really?" Benny asked.

"Yeah," Stan said. "We think you're totally awesome."

"Cool. My first friends. Hey want to come over to my house after school?"

"Uh we have to go home first to ask our mom and dad to make sure it's okay," Kyle said.

"Mmm," Kenny said.

* * *

After school that day, Kyle, Butters, Stan, and Kenny followed Benny to his new house. They were all surprised he lived in the same neighborhood as them. Why didn't they notice new neighbors had moved in?

All the boys saw Benny was living in a regular house like them.

"Dude, why don't you live in a mansion?" Stan asked.

"My dad likes to live a normal life, he says he doesn't need to live like a rich snob," Benny said. "That's what he calls them all."

"Mmmph mmm mmmph mmmm," Kenny said.

"What?" Benny asked.

"Mmmph mmm mmmph mmmm," Kenny repeated.

"What?" Benny asked again.

"He said 'Token's a rich snob,'"Kyle replied. "Sorry you have to learn to speak Kenny."

When Benny brought them inside, all the boys were shocked the furniture wasn't all fancy and it was all regular furniture and nice like theirs except Kenny's. They did have a big screen TV in the family room. Benny's little sister was in there watching TV as their mother was on the computer checking her email.

"Hey Mom I made new friends," Benny announced.

Mrs. Faltskog turned and looked at the boys. "Oh that's great," was all she said and went back to her email.

"My mom has Asperger's too," Benny said, "and so does my brother."

"Benjamin, did you need to broadcast my condition to your new friends?" Mrs. Faltskog asked.

"I just wanted them to know so they wouldn't think I was the only one with it," Benny said.

"Oh alright," she said.

Benny took his friends up to his new bedroom. The boys were surprised his bedroom was a regular bedroom, no fancy stuff rich kids have. He did have video games and DVD's, books, and toys.

"Dude you still have a Nintendo 64, that is so old school?" Stan said.

"It's my brother's old system,"Benny said.

"How old is he?" Kyle asked.

"Eighteen."

"Do you have any new game systems like a Wii or Xbox 360?"

"No," Benny said.

"Dude why not? Nintendo 64 is so gay now."

"My dad says we have to earn it ourselves," Benny said.

"Dude no way, your dad has all this money you say and he won't buy you new gaming systems?" Stan asked.

"No," Benny said sadly.

"Your dad is weird no offense," Kyle said.

Butters didn't care about the age of the system so he played it anyway. He was happy with Kirby 64 and the Golden Shards.

"Benny? Benny?" Mr. Faltskog called.

He came in his bedroom. "Mom's told me you made friends this time," then he noticed the boys. "Whoa are these them?" he asked.

Stan, Kyle, and Kenny all looked at him.

Mr. Faltskog wasn't wearing anything fancy. He wore casual clothes. Jeans and a t shirt and a torque. His usual clothing.

"Hi I'm Peter," he said. "You have already met my wife I suppose and our daughter?"

"Yes," Kyle said.

"Dude, are you really rich?" Stan asked.

"Yes of course. I have a house is Sweden, Tasmania, England, and Spokane, Washington and I own a camp out of town there every summer," Peter replied.

"Whoa, you guys live at all those places?" Kyle asked.

"Yep," said Mr. Faltskog.

"Dude, no wonder you couldn't answer when asked you where you moved from," Kyle said.

"I'd be confused too if my dad had that many houses," Stan said.

"Mmmm mph mmph mmmmph," Kenny said.

"What did he say?" Mr. Faltskog asked.

"Never mind," Kyle said. "You just have to learn to speak Kenny."

"How do I do that?" asked. "There is no such thing as his language, his suit covers his face."

"You learn after a while. Here," Kyle opened his bag and took out a book on Kenny translations and handed it to him. "We got tired of new comers asking us what he is saying every time he speaks so we published that book."

"Thanks," Mr. Faltskog said.

"You can keep it."

"Really, thanks. I'll get right to it."

Mr. Faltskog opened the book and flipped pages and then he said. "Oh."

He walked out of the room hurt.

"Jeez Kenny why did you have to say that?" Kyle said.

"What did he say?" Benny asked.

"You don't want to know."

"Why?"

"You just don't, trust me."

"Okay," and Benny went back to playing.


	3. Wannabe

The next day in school, everyone was at their lockers and going to class.

"Hey I heard you guys got a new student," Mille said to Wendy and Bebe.

"And he is really weird," Bebe said.

"He hardly spoke a word yesterday in class," Wendy said.

"He chews his pencils and moves around in his seat and does all these weird moves," Bebe said.

"Stan has really befriended him, I saw him with him at the playground yesterday with him with Butters," Wendy said.

"Wow," Millie said.

Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Butters were hanging out in the hall when Cartman started shouting at them. "Hey guys, guess what?" he said. He was holding some papers in his hands. "I found out I may have Asperger's."

"You don't have it," Kyle said.

"What?"

"You don't have it," Kyle said.

"But lookee here," Cartman pointed to the paragraph on the paper as he showed it to them.

Stan and Kyle took it and started reading it. Butters and Kenny looked over their shoulders.

"Children with Asperger's may exhibit inappropriate behavior. They might make rude remarks and come off as an asshole. Children with Asperger's may say inappropriate things," Stan read.

"You don't have it," Kyle said. "You're just an asshole."

"Yeah," Butters added.

"But I don't mean too," Cartman said trying to manipulate them.

"You don't have it," Kyle said firmly. "You just want to have it so you have an excuse to be an asshole like the time you wanted Tourette's so you can shout out things in class and be more of an ass."

"But this time I think I might really have it," Cartman said. "This explains a whole lot." Then he started to sound serious and sad. "My whole life I have always known I was different and wondered why you guys were always getting mad at me and calling me an asshole and fat ass. Now we get a new student who has it and I looked it up when I got home and this all explained it. I'm not an asshole, I just have Asperger's and I don't mean to be this way."

"You don't have it," Kyle said firmly again.

"Yeah you wannabe," Butters said.

"Good one Butters," Kyle said. "Cartman, you're a wannabe. You just want to have it so you have an excuse for why you act this way but you can help yourself. You're just a wannabe Ass burgers."

Then the three boys walked away dropping the paper on the floor. Butters just stood there staring down at the paper. Cartman picked it up and studied it more. He just had to find another way to convince them.

Everyone went to Mr. Garrison's class as the bell rang.

Mr. Garrison came in and said "Okay children, take your seats."

Benny picked up his desk and held it.

Everyone stared at him.

"Benny, what are you doing?" Mr. Garrison asked.

"Taking my seat," Benny said.

Cartman bursted into laughter. The other students laughed thinking Benny pulled a joke on the teacher.

Benny looked confused. "What's funny everyone?" he asked.

"Benny, put your desk down and sit," yelled Mr Garrison.

Benny put his seat down and sat in it still looking confused.

"Now Benny you probably don't know all the rules yet but being a smart ass is not allowed in class," said. "Next time you will go to the principle's."

Benny didn't say anything. He was still confused. He didn't know what a smart ass was.

During recess Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Butters were hanging out with Benny again. He just lined up rocks and flicking them with a rock.

"That was totally awesome what you did," Stan said to him.

"Yeah no one has never thought up that joke," Kyle said.

"Joke?" Benny asked.

"Yeah you know the chair thing you did."

"So."

"That was awesome."

There was a long silence. "Is this where I say 'thank you?'" Benny asked.

"What's the matter with you?" Stan asked.

"Mmmph mmm mmph," Kenny said.

"Kenny don't say that about him," Kyle said.

"Mmmm mm," Kenny said.

"Nothing," Benny said. "I was just asking is this where I say 'thank you,'" my mom says I have to always say it when people give me a compliment or are nice to me to be polite."

"Oh, well your joke was awesome," Kyle said.

"What joke?"

"Dude the joke you did in class when Mr. Garrison told us to take our seats," Stan said.

"And I did but he got mad," Benny said.

"Because you pulled his leg."

"No I didn't," Benny argued.

Stan did a face palm. "Can we just be serious right now? I'm in no mood for jokes. I'm really pissed at Cartman right now."

"I was serious," Benny said.

"We all know that," Kyle told Stan. "That son of a bitch wants to have Asperger's."

"Why would he want it?" Benny asked in bewilderment.

"Because he is a *beep*ing asshole," Kyle said.

"One time he faked Tourette's," Butters said.

"What's Tourette's?" Benny asked.

"Where you yell out swear words and profanity except they can't help it because they just come out of their mouth on their own and they can't stop it," Kyle explained.

"Whoa," Benny said. "I'm so glad I don't have that."

"Anyways he faked it because he wanted to yell all that stuff out and say offensive things to everyone and get away with it because he have Tourettes and then he wanted to go live on TV about the condition and say even more bad things. Only one kid with Tourette's also knew he was faking it."

"No one believed Kyle ," Stan said. "Cartman had everyone duped."

"What's duped?" Butters asked.

Mmmph," Kenny replied.

"And another time he faked being handicapped so he can be in the special olympics," Kyle said.

"I don't think I like this Cartman kid," Benny said.

"Neither of us do," Stan said. "Let us tell you about our little secret. We used to be friends with him."

"And then we dumped him because I got sick of him ripping on me about being Jewish and he's a dumb ass," Kyle said.

"He has never done anything good for us," Stan said. 'Every time he does, it's always about something and it's always about him."

"He has tricked me several times," Butters said. "One time he made me believe he was a ghost and he got mad at me about it."

"He had all of us fooled when he rescued all those hostages out of the Red Cross," Stan said. "We really thought he had changed but he never will."

"He used Butters," Kyle said.

Then the bell rang. Everyone headed back inside.


	4. Education

After school, the boys headed over to Benny's again. Mrs. Faltskog was in the kitchen. "Oh hello boys I made some cookies, do you want some?" she said as she held the plate out. All the cookies were made with chocolate chips and M&Ms in it.

"Thanks," Butters said as he took one.

"Thanks Mrs. Faltskog," Stan said.

"Thanks," Kyle said as he took two.

"Mmmph mmm," said Kenny as he took only one.

Mrs. Faltskog put the cookies in the cookie jar. "It's so good to see you finally have friends Ben," she said. "You must be so happy."

"Yeah finally," Benny said. "I didn't think this was ever going to happen."

"Didn't you have friends at your old school?" Stan asked.

"No," Benny said sadly.

"Dude, why not?" Kyle asked.

"No one wanted to play with me, they all didn't want me around and they all made fun of me," Benny said sadly.

"No one wants me either," Butters said.

"You're with us," Stan pointed out.

"But lot of times you three want to be alone," Butters said.

"Mom, today in school my new teacher got mad at me when he told us to take our seats," Benny said.

"Why did he get mad at you?" Mrs. Faltskog asked.

"He did a joke," Kyle said.

"What joke?"

"He picked up his seat," Stan said.

Mrs. Faltskog laughed. Benny was confused again. "What's so funny? Everyone laughed in my class and the teacher got mad at me for it."

"Because Benny when your teacher told everyone to take their seats, he meant "sit down in your seats" not pick them up," Mrs. Faltskog explained.

"Why didn't he say so?" Benny asked.

"Because it's a figure of speech. Taking your seat means sit in your seat. Like someone might say "Take a sit" meaning sit down."

"Oh," Benny said.

"So boys what happened after he literally took his seat?" Mrs. Faltskog asked.

"Mr. Garrison yelled at him," Stan said.

"What did he say to him when he yelled?"

"Told me to put it down and sit," Benny cried.

"And then he said he was being a smart ass," Kyle said.

"Mmmmph mm mmmm mmm," Kenny said.

"Doesn't he know my son has Asperger's?" Mrs. Faltskog said.

"Yes," said Stan "But we all thought he pulled his leg."

"But I was too far to do it, how can I reach his leg if I was at my desk?" Benny said.

"That's another figure of speech sweetums," Mrs. Faltskog said. "It means being funny or telling a joke."

"Man I wish people say what they mean," Benny said.

"No you just have to learn idioms is all and then you will know what people are really saying when they use them."

"But how will I know when something is an idiom?" Benny asked.

"You will know trust me, once you know the idioms, you will know what it means when someone says it like just now I told you what pulling a leg means and taking your seat. Now next time your teacher says "take your seats" you will know he means sit down," Mrs. Faltskog explained.

"But what if he means take your seat and he meant it and I didn't know that?"

"You just watch what the other kids do. If they all pick up their chairs, then you will know that's what he meant."

"But what if they all picked up their chairs and the teacher meant sit down?" Benny asked.

"Then I guess you don't know what the teacher meant then until after," Mrs. Faltskog replied.

"I will never learn this stuff if it keeps changing," Benny sighed.

"Oh you will, just wait until you are older. Your brother didn't get any of this when he was your age. Even when I try explaining to him what an idiom means, he still didn't get it but you do so you're better than he was at your age."

"Why is he so literal?" Stan asked.

"That's part of his condition. People with Asperger's take things a bit too literal such as idioms and phrases, jokes, troubles understanding them and not knowing when something was a joke, not understanding sarcasm," Mrs. Faltskog explained. "Here let me all educate you on it. Everyone to the dining room and I'll be right with you."

The boys headed to the dining room and sat down. Benny did a face palm not even following them.

Mrs. Faltskog came in with books on Asperger's. She set them down and started to read a children's book on the condition. "This is Lenny," Mrs. Faltskog read. "He has Asperger's syndrome. He gets up every morning and puts on a t-shirt and sweats. He likes to wear those kind because that is what he prefers. That is Asperger's syndrome." Then she turned the page and read the next. "Lenny always eats rice cakes for breakfast, that is all he will eat for breakfast, that is Asperger's syndrome." Then she turned the page again. "Lenny always has to get ready for school in the same order or else he throws a fit when it changes. That is Asperger's syndrome." The picture showed the character Lenny throwing a fit, his face was angry and he was stomping his feet. Mrs. Faltskog read the rest. When she was done she said, "Now do you understand the condition better?"

Kyle, Kenny, and Stan stared at her in bewilderment. Most of it sounded normal; eating rice cakes, wearing sweats and a t shirt and wearing the same kind of clothing, they all wore the same clothes, in fact everyone in South Park did. Did that mean they all had Asperger's? Eric Cartman preferred Cheesy Poofs and sweets and that was all he mostly ate, did that mean he had it too?

And having to watch the same TV show or else he throws a fit, they all watched Terrance and Phillips and they also get mad and upset if they couldn't watch it. It was very important to them, did that mean they had it too?

Mrs. Faltskog gave them each a book on Asperger's for them to read and told them to read more about it online.

Kyle started to feel skeptical about the condition.


	5. Cool Mother

_I'd like to thank nakeyta owens for his or her funny review. I guess he/she doesn't have a sense of humor. I don't find everything funny in the show myself because I don't always have a sense of humor._ _Now moving along with the story_

* * *

The next day, Mrs. Faltskog took her son to school because she needed to have a talk with the principal.

"Mrs. Victoria," Mrs. Faltskog said when she came in the office. "I need to tell you about my son. Yesterday in class, his teacher got mad at him when he took something literal. Perhaps he doesn't understand what Asperger's is so I think he should be educated on it so he will understand my son better and not misunderstand him."

"I think that's your job," Principal Victoria said.

"But you're the principal," Mrs. Faltskpg pointed out.

"But you must understand I am a very busy woman," Principal Victoria said. "I don't have time to go to the classes and give out a speech on Ass Burgers."

"It's Asperger's," Mrs. Faltskog corrected. "God damn it I hate it when people pronounce it that way. Obviously you spend your whole time at that desk doing nothing because your weight says it all."

"I am sick and tired of people assuming I sit all day doing nothing just because I'm fat," Principal Victoria said.

"So do your *beep*ing job then," Mrs. Faltskog said. "Or I am going to sue the pants off you."

"Mrs. Faltskog we can't cater you by teaching everyone about your son's condition," Principal Victoria said. "That's your job. You are welcome to to go his class and educate everyone about it."

Mrs. Faltskogs eyes went from the sweet look in them to flames. "But the Idea Law," she said in a different tone. "You must follow it and do your job or I can sue the pants off you, my husband is rich. Now if you guys don't treat my son right and you allow kids to hurt him and make fun of him bully him, I will sue you. I will be watching."

"Okay," said Principal Victoria. "But I don't know anything about it."

The flames went away in her eyes. "Really?"

"Yes."

"Oh that explains your laziness, I apologize. I will do your job for you then."

"Thanks, I appreciate it," Principal Victoria said.

"But you still should read about it since he is one of your pupils here."

Mrs. Faltskog left her office and looked for her son's class. When she found it, he wasn't there yet so she waited.

When the bell rang, all the kids headed to class. All the students in Mr. Garrison's class noticed Mrs. Faltskog on Mr. Garrison's desk. "Benny, why is your mom here?" Stan asked.

"Oh no," Benny said as he did a face palm. "She does this every time I go to a new school."

"What does she do?" Stan whispered.

"She threatens to sue the school if kids make fun of me and they allow it, and she also wants them to know about what I suffer from."

"Wow your mom threatens to sue schools if kids make fun of you, that's awesome," Stan said. "Hey everybody, Benny has a cool mother, his father's rich so she has the power to sue any place and she can sue this school if kids make fun of Benny," Stan shouted.

"Timmy," Tiimy shouted.

"Hey, can you have your mother sue anyone if they pick one me?" Wendy asked Benny. "I'll be your friend.

"Hey can I be your friend too?" Bebe asked.

"Yeah me too," Heidi said.

Everyone was asking to be Benny's friend and asking if they can have his mother sue anyone for picking on them since they be his friend except Cartman.

"Wow really?" Benny asked. "Sure," he said. Then he shouted, "Mom, I have lot of friends now."

"I know, I heard, I'm so proud of you," Mrs. Faltskog said.

"I wonder why didn't this happen at any of my other schools?" Ben said. "Hey will you sue anyone for picking on my friends?"

"Sure."

All right," Benny shouted.

"And we get even more money," Mrs. Faltskog told him.

"Hey my dad's a lawyer," Kyle told them. "You can hire him when you do it."

Then Mr. Garrison came to class. "Okay children take your seats."

"Remember what I told you about what "taking your seat" means," Mrs. Faltskog reminded Ben.

He sat down in his seat without picking it up this time.

"Who the hell are you?" Mr. Garrison asked. "Get off my desk."

Mrs. Faltskog was sitting on his desk.

"I'm Benny's mother," she replied in the same tone he was using to her. "And I heard you got mad at him for taking something literal. Now I assume you don't quite understand what Asperger's is."

"I know it means you're a social retard," Mr. Garrison said.

"But there is more to that than being a social retard," Mrs. Faltskog said. "People with Asperger's also have troubles with idioms so they tend to take them literal so when you told him to take his seat, he thought you wanted him to take his seat so he picked it up. They also have troubles understanding sarcasm and jokes so if my son acts like a smart ass, don't assume he is being one, it means he took what you said literal."

Cartman started laughing in his seat. "On my god, no wonder it's Ass Burgers. It should also be Retard Burgers," Cartman laughed.

Mrs. Faltskog walked up to him and pulled his hair.

"Ow, what did you do that for you son of a bitch?" he yelled.

Mrs. Faltskog pulled his hair again.

"Owwww, stop it bitch."

Mrs. Faltskog pulled it harder. "I will pull it even more if you don't stop calling me names and showing my son respect you fat ass," she said. "Or I'll sue your mother for not doing her job. Look at you, she gives you too much food and she also doesn't teach you how to treat everyone with respect except jerks of course and bullies since they don't deserve it."

Then she let go of his hair. "I recommend you read about Asperger's and do some research on it," she said to Mr. Garrison. Then she opened her bag and took out a book on Aspergers and handed it to him. "You better read it," she said. "Because if you make another mistake again, I will sue you. My husband's rich, if you don't believe me, I bet you'd be surprised when you find out you are being sued."

Then she left the classroom.

Mr. Garrison sighed. "Benny I hate to tell you this but your mom is a retarded bitch."

Benny sighed. His mother always did this in every new school but no other kid had never asked to be his friend.

During recess, all the kids were gathered around Benny. Cartman decided to be Benny's friend too. He thought maybe he could use him so his mom can sue Kyle's parents for being Jewish and whenever he calls him a dumb ass and or fat ass.

The kids were inviting Benny to play with them. Benny felt even more happy, friends at last. But after being with them for a few minutes, it got overwhelming for him. All the socialization, the small talk, too much. So Benny walked away but the kids followed.

"Hey where are you going?" a boy named Junior asked.

"Nothing," Benny said.

"Dude you can't walk away when we are talking to you," Token said.

"Why?" Benny asked.

"Because it's rude," he said.

"Why?"

"I don't know, I didn't make the rule."

"No wonder it's called Ass Burgers," Cartman said. "They are a bunch of dumb asses."

"Shut up Cartman," Kyle shouted.

"Shut up you *beep*ing Jew," Cartman yelled back.

Recess dragged on for poor Benny, he didn't know how to get the kids to leave him alone. Maybe too many friends was too much for him.


	6. Kenny Dies

Cartman walked in to see Mr. Mackey. "Oh hello Cartman, what can I do for you?" Mr. Mackey asked.

"There is this new kid in my class and he has Ass Burgers," Cartman said.

"What?"

"Ass Burgers. Haven't you heard of it?"

"No I haven't."

"Damn it," Cartman said to himself.

"What is it?" Mr. Mackey asked.

"Never mind, I'll talk to you some other time, and he left."

-

After school, Benny came home. "Oh hey Benny, how was school?" Mr. Faltskog asked.

"Nothing," he said.

"Did it go well or did it go bad?" his dad asked again.

"I don't know," he said.

"Did any kids make fun of you today?" Mrs. Faltskog asked when she overheard the failed conversation.

"No," Benny said failing to see Cartman did make fun of him that day at recess.

"He made more friends today," she told her husband.

"Really? Wow Benny that's great," Mr. Faltskog said."How many new friends did you get?"

"The whole class," Benny said.

"Everyone in my class wanted to be my new friend," Benny said.

Mr. Faltskog found that a bit skeptical. Why would the whole class all of a sudden want to be his friend in unison. "Why did they all want to be your friend?"

"I don't know, they said my mom was cool."

"Why did they say she was cool?"

"I don't know."

"What were they saying to you?"

"They asked if she can sue anyone too if kids make fun of them."

"Oh jesus christ," Mr. Faltskog sighed. "Jennifer, you didn't threaten to sue again did you?" he shouted.

"Yes I did," she said.

"Oh damn it Jen, you can't keep threatening to sue every new school our son goes to," Mr. Faltskog shouted.

"At least he got friends," Mrs. Faltskog said.

"But they are not his real friends, he's got fake friends, they are using him for you because they want me to sue their parents if their kids pick on our son and you know I am not going to do that."

"But they don't know that so think of it as your money comes in handy, we can control anyone."

Benny knew what was coming, he had seen the situation before. It was a pattern.

"You can't keep having things go your way Jen," Mr. Faltskog said firmly. "This has to stop."

"Why?" she shouted. "You're not going to sue anyone so why does it matter what I do? Stop being stupid."

"Oh now I'm stupid just because I don't agree with you. Damn it Jennifer, you need to stop calling everyone stupid when they think different than you and have different point of views. You're not always right."

"No they really are stupid, quit being stupid," she shouted. "I married you for accepting me, now I don't need a stupid husband."

"Our son is not going to learn to adapt or stick up for himself if you keep doing this," Mr. Faltskog said.

There was more shouting between them and then Jennifer started to throw things.

"Now calm down Jen," Mr. Faltskog said.

"Calm down?" Mrs. Faltskog shouted as she grabbed the candles off the dining room table and threw them.

"Don't tell me how to feel," she screamed as she threw more things, chairs on the floor, throwing the China dishes around, throwing books.

Mr. Faltskog tried to stop her but she kept running away from him throwing items. Benny just went outside to get away from it all.

-

Stan, Kyle, and Kenny were all walking and talking. "Hey lets all throw stones at the cars and hear them yell when they get mad?" Stan suggested.

"Yeah," Kyle said.

"Mmm," Kenny said.

Then they all saw Benny outside sitting in front of the doorstep of his home tossing a ball and having his dog run after it.

The boys walked up to him. "Hey Benny, I didn't know you had a dog," Kyle said.

"It's my dad's," Benny said.

His dog brought the ball back and Benny took it and tossed it again.

"What's wrong?" Kyle asked.

"Nothing," Benny said.

"You look sad," Stan said.

"I know," said Benny.

The boys heard the screaming in the house.

"Wow, your mom sure sounds mad," Stan said.

"She is mad," Benny said.

"Why?" Kyle asked.

"I don't know."

Kenny started to play with the dog. He tossed the ball too and then the grown ups were upstairs in their bedroom.

Kenny kept tossing the ball when Mrs. Faltskog picked up their TV and threw it out the window. Kenny was standing in the wrong spot when the TV landed on him squishing him. His body flattened and a pool of blood formed.

"Oh my god, your parents killed Kenny," Stan said.

"You bastards," Kyle shouted up at the window.

"That was my mother," Benny said. "She always throws things when she is this mad."

He stared at his dead friend.

"He dies all the time," Kyle told him. "He will be alive again, give it about a day or two or a week, sometimes it can take a month."

Benny kept staring at his friend in bewilderment. Rats formed around Kenny's dead body. Benny's parents were still fighting and his mother was still screaming. More things were thrown out the window. "Jennifer stop it right now," his dad yelled. "No not my portrait." The art portrait was thrown out the window and it landed in the snow.

"Hey you wanna throw stones at the cars with us and hear them yell when they get mad?" Kyle asked Benny.

"Yes," he said.

"Then lets go," Stan said.

"I'm not allowed to leave the house without permission," Benny said.

"What kind of world are you living in?" Kyle asked. "You don't need to ask if you can go with us. C'mon," Kyle and Stan grabbed his hands and pulled him along. Mr. Faltskog's dog followed after them. Then a Calico cat was thrown out the window. She landed on her feet. "There's goes another life from your cat," Mr. Faltskog told his wife.

Then everything was silent.

"Feel better now?" Mr. Faltskog asked.

"Yes."

"Good. I need to start on building an extra room again for these episodes."


	7. Chapter 7

_Okay sorry for the long wait, I got a writer's block so I got bored with this story and abandoned it. Now I have decided to return to it because I am so bored and I feel empty inside if I am not working on any of my fanfictions. I just finished Sam Junior finally. My OC is in that one including Peter._

_Oh yeah I was at the local autism support group and we did show and tell and I talked about my fanfiction and I tell them about this story and this autistic girl told me she has had the same idea about this show. She had always wanted them to do an episode on autism and another girl on the spectrum thought my story idea was funny and then another guy there said South Park is meant to be offensive and if it isn't, then you aren't doing it right. I also told them about the funny comment the person left and me and I told them about the warning I put at the beginning for this story. I just hate stupid people, I really do. At least the people at the group found this to be funny when I told them about it. _

_Oh why is it okay when people joke about their own disabilities and people find it funny but if another person jokes about a disability they don't even have, people find it offensive but yet if the person has that condition, people find it funny? Arg. I think it's just stupid._ _It doesn't make any sense why people find a joke funny if the person has that condition and then it's not funny if the person doesn't have that condition but told a joke about it. Also why do people on the spectrum get offended at autism jokes but when their own kind jokes about it, they find it funny? I find it ironic and I think it's stupid and it should be equal. It should be okay for everyone to tell the jokes. It doesn't make sense to get mad at someone for telling a joke about a disability and then find it funny if someone with a disability tells a joke about their own kind. _

* * *

Mr. Miss. Cartman was in the kitchen cooking dinner when her son walked in the kitchen. "Mom," he said.

"Yes what is it?" she said.

"Have you heard of Ass Burgers?"

"No, what is it?" she said.

"It's a new condition I just heard about and I think I might have it, look," he handed her the paper. She read it. "Oh this explains why you are spoiled and throw fits if you don't get your way," she said. "I will take you to the doctor first thing tomorrow."

"All right," Cartman said.

-

The next day on the playground, all the boys were gathered around Benny. "Do you want to play, do you want to play, do you want to play wit do you want to play with me?" Jimmy asked.

"No, he is playing with us," Bebe said.

"No he is playing with us," Stan said.

"No he is playing with us," Token said.

The kids started to argue about who gets to play with Benny. Then the boys started to lower their eyes and saying "Arh arh arh," acting like apes.

Benny stared at them all not understanding what the fight is about. Why were they all acting that way?

-

At the Hell Pass Hospital Cartman was in the office with the psychiatrist. "I have never heard of such condition," said Dr. Simmons. "What is it?"

"Well it's a condition a new student has in his class and my son thinks he may have it too," Mr. Miss Cartman said.

"Well because that condition is still new, only place in this state that knows about it is Good Samaritan in Denver. I advise you take your boy there and get him tested for it."

"Okay," said Mr. Miss Cartman.

"God damn it," Cartman told himself.

"I guess we have to make another appointment," his mother told him.

-

After school that day, the boys were at the Faltskog residence again. For some strange reason everything was picked up and the upstairs window was no longer broken and the broken TV set was gone and so was Kenny's body and his blood.

"How did the window get fixed so quick?" Stan asked.

"I paid a lot of money to have that thing fixed right now," Mr. Faltskog replied.

"What was the fight about?" Kyle asked.

"Oh jeez," Mr. Faltskog said. "You see boys my wife has a problem with people not agreeing with her and she wants everything her way, if she doesn't get it, she gets mad. So she has a meltdown."

"A meltdown?" Kyle asked.

"Yes, that's what we call it. People with Asperger's syndrome get these meltdowns when they get really upset or overwhelmed but each person with it experiences it differently. Benny's is where he shuts down and can't do a thing, my step son's is where he flaps his hands and does all these crazy stims and my wife's is where she cries and screams and she sometimes throws things."

"What's a stim?" Stan asked.

"Oh boy, a stim is something a person does to keep themselves calm. It's very common in people with Asperger's."

"Hey I think I stim too," Kyle said.

"Yeah me too," Stan said.

"What are your stims?" Mr. Faltskog asked.

"I like to drum my fingers," Stan said.

"I like to click pins," Kyle said.

"I'm very sorry about your friend," Mr. Faltskog apologized.

"Kenny dies all the time," Stan said.

"Really?"

"Yeah but you get used to it. It's not a big deal."

"Yeah," Kyle said.

"Okay. If you insist. I'm just glad my wife won't get in trouble and get charged for man slaughter."

"Neah," Stan said.

"Neah," Kyle echoed.

The boys headed out in the backyard where Benny was playing. "I am not sure about this condition," Kyle whispered to Stan.

"Why you say that?" Stan whispered back.

"Well I have been doing research on it and I've read lot of kids are being diagnosed with it in other places, it's like it's become a new fad or something."

"Like ADD was?" Stan asked.

"Yeah, I mean so many symptoms for it, we fit them too but does that mean we have it?" Kyle asked.

"And Cartman said he has it," Stan said.

"He is just an asshole," Kyle said.

"Yeah," Stan said.

"But what I read about online it said they lack empathy and they don't think about others and they only think of themselves," Kyle said.

"That is Cartman," Stan said.

"Something's not right," Kyle said.

"C'mon we have some more research to do."

The boys walked up to Benny. "Uh Benny do you think there is something funny about your condition?" Kyle asked.

"No," he said. "Why?"

"It's just that I did research on it and so many kids are being diagnosed with it in other places. Even we seem to have characteristics of it too and that dumb ass Cartman," Kyle said.

Benny didn't say anything.

"Haven't you heard anything about lot of kids being diagnosed with it too?" Kyle asked.

"No," Benny said.

"Well it's happening."

"Oh."

"Dude, don't you care?" Kyle asked.

"Why?" Benny asked.

"Because if so many get diagnosed with it and don't really have it, it can hurt you. Your problems won't be taken seriously and pretty soon people will think it's a made up condtion like people already think about ADD."

Benny didn't say anything.

"God damn it," Kyle said to himself.

-

The next day in school during lunch, Kyle and Stan walked up to Chef.

"Oh hello Children."

"Hi Chef," Stan and Kyle said.

"Chef you seem to know everything and we have a question we gotta ask you?" Stan said.

"Sure," Chef said.

"Chef we got a new kid in our class and he has Asperger's," Kyle said.

"Oh I know children I've heard. So many kids are being diagnosed with it these days."

"You know about that too?" Stan asked.

"Oh yes, I read all the time online. Everyday a child is being diagnosed with autism every twenty minutes."

"We're talking about Asperger's," Kyle said.

"Oh I know children. Asperger's is a form of autism, it's the spectrum of it, mild version of it," Chef said.

"Benny's autistic?" Stan said. "I didn't know that."

"Yes children it used to be one in ten thousand, now it's one in one fifty, one in three hundred have Asperger's," Chef said.

"Whoa, that's a lot," Stan said.

"Yes children. Remember when Timmy was diagnosed with ADD and then the rest of you were diagnosed with it?" Chef asked.

"Yes," Kyle said. "Why?"

"Well I'm afraid it's about to happen again. With Aspergers being the new ADD, pretty soon that label will hit here and then lot of you will be diagnosed with it."

"What can we do about it?" Stan asked.

"I'm afraid there is nothing we can do children. Hey where's Kenny and Cartman?"

"Cartman isn't our friend anymore," Kyle said.

"And Kenny died again," Stan said.

"Oh," Chef said.

He served the boys their food and they both sat down at one of the tables.

"Does Benny really have Asperger's or is he one of those kids who's misdiagnosed?" Stan asked.

"I don't know," Kyle said.

Then Cartman came up to them."Hey guys, I'm getting tested for Ass Burgers this Friday," he said.

"The condition is being over diagnosed," Kyle said.

"Lot of kids are being diagnosed with it and lot of them don't actually have it," Stan said.

Cartman walked away from them and found Benny sitting alone at a table. He went up to him. "I'm getting tested for Ass Burgers this Friday," Cartman said.

"It's Asperger's," Benny corrected.

Cartman walked away feeling happy inside. He had rehearsed in his head on how to act in the office for his evaluation."


	8. Cartman Gets Diagnosed

_Sorry for the very long wait. I decided to post one last chapter here in honor of Matt Stone and Trey Parker for finally doing the episode on Asperger's. I don't know if I will continue this story because there be no point in it anymore but I will watch the episode and see what happens in it. Will the whole episode be about Cartman shitting out hamburgers or will he fake the condition?_ _I will just wait and see._

* * *

Cartmen was taken to get tested for Asperger's at the Good Samaritan Hospital in Denver.

"So why do you think your son may have it?" Dr. Stubbs asked.

Cartman was sitting down tapping his fingers on the table and swinging his feet and rocking back anf forth. He was doing every stim he could think of. He had to focus on keeping on doing them.

"Well he told me he thinks he may have it," Misss. Cartman replied.

"Why is that?" Dr. Stubbs asked.

"Well," she said. Then she looked at Eric. "Sweetums, why do you think you have it?"

"My name is Eric," Eric shouted. "I am so nervous. I can't stop doing these retarded body movements and I keep upsetting my friends and now they don't want me around and I don't know why. I think I say bad things and not even know it. I can't stand change I hate it and they make me so upset."

"He does hate it when I tell him to go to bed," said Miss Catrman.

"And I always have the same foods everyday," Eric added.

"He always wants his Cheesy Poofs or he has a tantrum," said Miss Cartman.

"Oh you mean meltdowns?" said Dr. Stubbs. "That's what aspies have."

"A what?" Miss Cartman asked.

"Aspies, that's what people with Asperger's call themselves or Aspergarians. Cute isn't it?"

"Yeah it is," said Miss Cartman. "By the way, what's do you mean by meltdown?"

"Oh it's something they have, they get overwhelmed and they act like they are throwing a tantrum when really, they are just over stimulated or too upset or overwhelmed. We don't call them tantrums. Would you mind if I interview your boy to see how he interacts and then we are going to leave the room and see what he does in his alone time."

"Okay," said Mr. Miss Cartman.

Dr. Stubbs sat down next to Eric.

Eric stimmed more pretending he was in his personal space.

"What's wrong Eric?"

Oh damn, how would someone with Ass Burgers respond to this, Eric thought.

He thought and thought.

Dr. Stubbs saw it as he didn't know how to verbalize his thoughts and how to process the information and hard time with communicating.

"What is your favorite color?" Dr. Stubbs asked.

"Red."

"Red?" Dr. Stubbs asked. "Why is it your favorite?"

Oh god damn it again, Cartman thought. How do I respond to this?

"I don't know," he said.

"Oh damn it, did I just answer that? he thought.

"I have a favorite color," said Dr. Stubbs.

He waited for Cartman to ask him what his favorite is. Cartman was waiting for him to tell him.

"Aren't you going to tell me your favorite color?" Cartman asked.

"It's red too," Dr. Stubbs replied.

"Oh."

Cartman tried thinking of other stims, he decided to do chair rocking.

"Are you nervous?" Dr. Stubbs asked.

"No," said Cartman.

"Well you're rocking in your seat?"

"Uh, oh," was he Cartman could say.

"Why do you do that?"

"Do what?"

"Rock in your chair?"

"Because I want to."

"So tell me, what is your favorite food?"

"Cheesy Puffs," Cartman replied.

"How often do you have them?"

"Everyday after school."

"And do you have to have them?"

"Yes."

"What happens if you don't have them."

"I get very pissed and I feel all this rage inside me like something is empty inside me and I hate that feeling."

Dr. Stubbs kept asking him more questions like how many friends he has. Cartman told him how he has a hard time fitting in and how his own best friends don't want him and they dumped him for this new kid. Dr. Stubbs even asked him about his routines and rituals and Cartman answered them making up his issues and exaggerating them.

"Well that does it, you do have Asperger's," said Dr. Stubbs.

"Really?' Cartman shouted. then he pretended to be sad. "Oh, does that mean I am not normal?"

"Oh of course you're normal, you just have a different wiring in your brain," Dr. Stubbs replied.

"Can I get a new brain?"

"I am afraid that is not possible."

Cartman pretended to cry.

Dr. Stubbs got Mr. Miss Cartman.

"Your son does have Asperger's syndrome. I will write the report right now and mail it to you."

"Oh my," said Mr. Miss Cartman. "Is there a cure for this disease."

"I am afraid not but the good news is, it is not a disease. It is a neurological disorder. But I will recommend group therapy so he can work on his social skills so he won't keep pissing everyone off and he will do a better job at answering questions.

Cartman continued his fake crying.

"It's not that bad sweetums, I will enroll you into therapy to make you better," Mr. Miss Cartman told him.

"We do social skills training here," Dr. Stubbs told her. "So many kids are being diagnosed with it we are offering them therapies so they can have a better life when they are adults. here is the number for it and they will tell you the class hours and what room it's in," Dr. Stubbs handed her the business card.

Cartman was happy he got his diagnoses, not he had an excuse to be an asshole. He started to think of the worse things he can say and not get in trouble for it.

"Okay, poopkins, let's go," Mr. Miss Cartman told her son.

Cartman got up and left with his mother. Cartman had the evil smile.


End file.
